Top Six CS Positions After Graduation

Note: This article is a satire piece originally published on The UMD Hare.

Introduction

So, you just graduated with one of the most oversaturated degrees in our modern day. Fear not! The tech world may just not be for you, but there’s a whole other world of career paths waiting for someone with your scarce and unique skill set. Using the qualities of the stereotypical Computer Science major, we have compiled a list of six jobs so perfect that you’ll never have to think about how you didn’t get a job in the tech industry!

Top Six Jobs

• 1. Scented Candle Salesperson

The scent of lavender and vanilla is all you’ll know from now. A place that will finally accept your lifelong shower fasting. This is possibly one of the only jobs that’ll allow people to be near you without gagging from that classic CS stench. Become a person of fine aromas and mask the odor of career failures.

• 2. AI Worshiper

The robots are taking over — get ahead of the game and start praying to your AI gods. Establish a new profound religion focusing on language learning models and simp as hard as you can to your overlords. You’ll easily find followers who share this new belief within Iribe, where it’s physically impossible for them not to dick-ride Artificial Intelligence. Deep learning is what leads to spiritual enlightenment. After all, E = mc^2 + AI.

• 3. Hermit

When the job market is low, and options are running out, there’s a simple solution. Leave society. Move to the woods, embrace Mother Nature, and bring out your inner Christopher McCandless. Coding? Pipeline? Null Pointer? You only have to worry about tree choppin’, food gathering, preparing for winter, and hiding all the money that you transferred into gold somewhere 10 feet deep in the ground. Who needs a good salary when you can talk to squirrels all day?

• 4. Finance Bro

Put on your finest vest, grab that dairy-free caramel latte, and prepare to rage at your screen because that short squeeze went south when the stock you bet against got bought by Meta. You might not have the necessary experience, but neither do the other vest wearers. Coding and evaluating markets is essentially the same thing. Besides, with new money, you can fill that four-years-of-studying-comp-sci void.

• 5. Career Fair Hope Crusher

It’s time to switch to the dark side — to influence and break the spirits of the next computer science generation. Watch the glimmer of hope in their eyes as they give you their resume, and tell them about the endless opportunities within the tech world, knowing full well that they’ll be checking out this very article for what else to do with their lives after they graduate. Then just as they walk away, proud that someone noticed them and they turn back for one more look, you make sure they see you put that paper of their accomplishments into the recycling bin behind you.

• 6. Startup #157 Founder

So what if the last one wasn’t a success… this one is the one for sure! Start your 157th startup and pitch that brand-new, never-thought-of-before, tinder-like idea. Get your friends who have none of the necessary skills, procrastinate the business pitch for maybe just a few months or a year, and then this time you’ll finally get that venture capital funding!

Conclusion

With these six job ideas, you can avoid the warfare at all of those software engineering interviews. Instead, trade the cutthroat deadlines and endless feature requests with a lifestyle that will truly add to the value of society. Whether you’re crushing the spirits of promising CS candidates or praying to our AI overlords, these paths guarantee your uniqueness over yet another JavaScript jockey fighting over some entry-level scraps. So go out there, explore, and get some fresh air — we know your major needs it.